


fortress that it made of you

by binarylazarus



Series: Naruto One-Shots [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Haruno Sakura, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Abuse, F/F, Family Dynamics, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 01:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21153272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/binarylazarus/pseuds/binarylazarus
Summary: Sakura breaks again and again and again. Each time it gets harder to put those pieces back together.OrSakura joins Anbu to forget. Ino finds the only person who can talk some sense into her.





	fortress that it made of you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [romnovs (tashatops)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tashatops/gifts).

> There are references to suicide, self harm, and drug abuse. Nothing explicit but it is a part of this story.

Ino isn’t sure how an idiot like Naruto and that perverted teacher of his were ever able to track down Tsunade Senju all those years ago. The woman, despite her fame and addictions, remained under everyone’s radar. Over 100 identities in nearly 3 decades. If Tsunade wasn’t protected by her name, she would have been the greatest tool of the state since that lazy sensei of Sakura’s. It's probably better she was never abused in such a way. It’s a terrible thought, however, because the system still chewed the Senju matriarch up and spit her out a broken woman. Seems to be a common theme for them all. 

Bird Country was not the easiest place to reach, even after the war. The Daimyōs still cling to the remaining vestiges of their power—viciously defending their borders. It was harder now that the Hidden Villages existed as their own players rather than pieces in their game, and shinobi still had to tread the land with a delicate touch. 

Officially retired, Tsunade had no responsibilities to shinobi-life anymore. Traversing the countryside is easy when there’s only the chase of cards, booze, and sometimes women to care about. Ino shouldn’t be surprised by the Sannin’s tastes. She teased Ino mercilessly as a child for her very obvious crush on Sakura. Yet, if she hadn’t spent time under the older woman’s care she would have never normalized such feelings. For all her flaws, not once did she ever chide Ino for who she loved. She is grateful for that, at least. 

Sakura is no doubt halfway across the world trying to find a different way to forget, to cease existing. It is a terrible way to cope with the realities of life, but it is Sakura’s reality. Despite her desires and habits, there is a part of her that remains alive. It’s this part Ino holds on to. The part that returns to her in the dead of night—broken but still present. The part that once flirted with the idea of helping children and marriage. 

An end to war doesn’t mean people stop fighting battles. The creeping dread beneath the skin, the inescapable horrors in the night.They’ve all felt it, all reacted to it. Ino leaned on her mother and clan. Sakura looked for an excuse to lose herself. Everyone copes, some worse than others. Anbu is not the place someone should go to cope, yet it is where Sakura fled to. She always absorbed too much of her teachers’ personalities.

She can’t fault Kakashi for pushing Sakura towards Anbu, but she’s angry at him nonetheless. He lives in his guilt and grief, and saw an opportunity to atone for his neglectful nature as a teacher. Sakura lied to Kakashi, just like she lied to Ino, and to herself. Disguising her sense of duty as anything but self-destructive—using Kakashi’s desire to be better against him. He will never know though or will choose to ignore this abuse like many others. 

When Anbu wasn’t enough, Sakura took to destroying everything around her like a violent carter blossoming and cracking the earth underneath. First, it was Ino and Sakura’s engagement then her ties to her friends and family. Ino knows...knows this is what Sakura is. A girl with a deep, ancient anger so repressed and untouched—so close to eruption. Rage is a part of who Sakura is. Sometimes it is uncontrollable, but it’s not all that she is. Ino knows...knows what Sakura is because they have laid their hearts and bodies bare for another. 

The same cannot be said for the others. Shizune spent her life caring for a woman that never changed. Could not offer Sakura the same kindness, and none could blame her. Shizune was a caretaker, corralling problems that could be trained out of someone. It’s no wonder she decided to stay when Tsunade left. There were problems in the village she could fix. 

Naruto and Sasuke were far too absorbed in their own existences to notice anything outside their orbits, never took the time to understand Sakura, empathize with her emotions, and console her in loss. The same could be said about Sakura herself. She will never understand how people manipulated the saviors of humanity, never understand their loss. They shared battles, spilled blood together, but that was the only way for them to connect. With no war, no fights they were ships passing in the night. Entities lumped together simply because none stood on their level. 

Tsunade was probably the only one that ever recognized the anger, maybe even experienced such emotions in her youth. She accepted some of Sakura’s less than ideal habits and behaviors. Even signed on to be Sakura’s guardian before Sakura’s 18th birthday. It’s probably why Tsunade’s departure hit the hardest. There were a lot of questions left unanswered and both were too stubborn to reach out. Too stubborn to admit how much they cared for one another. 

Before leaving Konoha, Ino poured over Tsunade’s meticulous notes on medicine, politics, and more. It took all her skill as a saboteur to get inside the scrolls Tsunade intended to leave for the next Hokage. Senju and upper-level medicinal scrolls went with the Sannin. The woman was always protective of her research, had to be given that Orochimaru left cemeteries of abandoned research for any person just crazy enough to pick up where they left off. 

Often the most useful information lies in the scraps left behind. In parchment corners, she left notes about anything and everything. Mostly notes for Shizune to help Kakashi. The older woman must have known Shizune would stay. There was one scroll, missed in haste to leave the village. It was a training scroll for chakra meditation of all things with a piece of loose parchment and the lazy script of the Godaime. 

Sakura, if you’re reading this 5 am we start sealwork. I expect everything back in its place. Nice try though. 

-T 

She remembers Sakura with piles of scrolls in her room, now she realizes they were probably stolen from the Hokage’s office. It was almost comical. Such an insignificant note. Ino chokes out a small laugh at how stupid it was. How normal and tender the note seems. Tsunade was never a fool but neither was she cruel. Took Sakura’s personality in strides and dished it back out. Family through and through.

Ino clutches the loose parchment wrinkling the center, and enters the dodgy izakaya. She sees the Godiame’s shoulders sag and motions to the owner to bring another glass. Ino slips into the seat on the older woman’s right. 

The izakaya is old, with wobbly chair legs and tables that feel sticky even after it’s been clean. The owner doesn’t even offer an oshibori just slams a small, chipped glass on the table and fills it with sake. The Senju takes Ino’s sake glass and slams it back. It’s a petty, childish move aimed to prompt a reaction from Ino. She must have ruined the Godaime’s quaint evening in the world’s shittiest bar. 

“I thought I made it clear to the village that I wasn’t to be disturbed.” 

“I’m not here for the village.” Ino motions to the owner for another and he just leaves the whole bottle, tired of pouring glasses. Tsunade seems content pouring her own. 

“I’m retired.” 

“I don’t care.” 

The older woman pauses before drowning another cup. The sake no doubt already burned out of her system. Sakura liked to do the same on missions. It was always about the illusion of control, for the two. Tsunade pauses for a while holding her empty sake glass near her mouth contemplating her next words. 

Ino fills the silence, “she canceled our engagement...three...no, wait, four months ago.” She says it so casually, as if she hadn’t screamed and cried. As if they hadn't ended up in the middle of the training ground in a crater with broken bones and bloodied teeth. The fact that Sakura fought back told Ino she was still alive in there somewhere. “Disappeared into back-to-back wetwork missions, and hasn’t reported in with the Rokudaime for some time.” The formality in Ino’s voice towards Kakashi isn’t lost on Tsunade. 

“I was...we were okay for a little while. Then the experimenting started like she was trying to find the line of no return. It’s getting...” 

Tsunade cuts the younger woman off, “why are you here Ino?” 

“Make amends. Whatever happened between the two of you, fix it... You owe her that at least.” 

The Sannin flinches at the last bit. “What makes you think anything will change, if I find her?”

“It might not but that seal on her forehead keeps her here and I’ll take every chance that gives me to convince her to stay.” Ino hands Tsunade the crumbled parchment, “You’re just the only person she might be willing to talk to right now.”

Tsunade holds the paper running her thumb over the words from a simpler time. “How far?” 

“River Country” 

Tsunade’s shoulders slump and for a moment Ino sees just how tired the woman is from shouldering a lifetime of duties. She stands leaving Ryo on the table. “You brats need to stop putting so much faith in me.”

“Not faith Shishō, trust.” 

Tsunade gives Ino a small smile before exiting the izakaya. 

* * *

A swift kick to her side jolts Sakura from the sleep of death, and she’s squinting trying to make sense of her surroundings. 

“Get up brat, it’s time to go.” 

Sakura must have died, because there’s no way she’s on the floor in a pool of her own dried vomit with Tsunade Senju looking over her. The pink-haired woman feels a sudden bout of nausea and vomits again. The telltale signs of a migraine rattle her skull. Sakura groans as the room spins and her speech slurs. 

“Couldn’t hear you brat, speak up!” Tsunade eyes several...no easily a dozen pill bottles spread throughout the room. Enough to kill several shinobi, but not enough for them. Never enough for bearers of the byakugō, not for lack of trying. Tsunade chews on her bottom lip before releasing an exasperated breath. Her student inherited a lot more than the seal it seems. 

Sakura slurs out a full thought, “next time I’m going to sever my own head. Would be better than waking up feeling like this.” 

“It won’t work like you hope.” 

Sakura whips her head around stirring another wave of nausea. There’s a million different questions flying through her head, but she elects to concentrate on preventing her bowels from moving once more, letting Tsunade fill the silence. 

Her Shishō offers little, “Terrible coping habits run in family.” 

Family. Were they ever a family? It was always hard to tell. Sakura was a desperate child clinging to a hope Tsunade was never able to deliver. The older woman had trained her, gave her the tools to fight, but the world continued to take and break. Any time Tsunade had with Sakura was stolen, stolen from the girl’s parents before and after their deaths. By the end of the war, Sakura was an adult with all the wrong tools in her hands and Tsunade ran away. In the eyes of the state they were family but what did the state know of family?

The younger woman stumbles into the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet once more—the last of the pills exiting her stomach. She can feel her fingertips tingle, the early stages of chakra exhaustion setting in. She had come close that’s for sure. 

Sakura can hear the Senju’s heels clack against wooden floor stopping at the bathroom entrance. The older woman bends down and pulls Sakura’s sweaty pink hair back while Sakura grips the toilet bowl panting. 

“You really smell.” 

Sakura chokes out a half laugh-cough, her breath echoing in the bowl, “Because smelling like stale sake is much better.” 

In a gentler time, Tsunade would have hit Sakura over the head for being a brat. Instead they’re here, in an inn, in the middle of River Country two jagged and broken pieces. “Get cleaned and meet me downstairs.”

Alone once more, Sakura has half a mind to flee. She’s not sure if she can handle whatever it is Tsunade wants to talk about, isn’t quite sure why the woman would even bother coming all this way to find her. A cold shower does little to soothe her aching temple, and the bath lets out murky cold sludge that smells worse than her vomit. Cleaning after herself is a rather embarrassing affair, but she rather not incite the ire of the innkeep. 

Looking through her things she finds a storage scroll that belongs to Ino. Running chakra through the scroll releases the contents and she finds a spare set of clothes and a small note. 

Don’t keep me waiting, Forehead.

A breeze from the open window tickles her ear and Sakura entertains the idea of escaping from that window. Instead, she places a gentle kiss on Ino’s note and lets the breeze take it away.

Downstairs she finds Tsunade at a table in the corner of the inn, her travel pouch open with a few small storage scrolls. The scrolls looked worn with a yellowish tint, older seals adorning the outside. These were clan scrolls, important enough for Tsunade to travel with personally. Once Sakura sits down her mentor bites her thumb and impresses it upon the end of the scroll. She unravels the scroll and runs her chakra over one of the seals revealing the contents. She hands Sakura three journals. Intricate seals surround the spine and front of two top journals, while the third lies bare. Sakura runs her fingers along the worn leather spins. 

“My grandmother kept a journal from a young age. Being a jinchuuriki and an immigrant in a foreign land was so isolating—this journal was her last solace. As a young woman, I couldn’t understand the horrible things she did to herself until Dan died.” Her mentor’s voice is quiet, shaky. These memories still leave Tsunade raw and vulnerable, and she squeezes her eyes shut before opening them to continue. “The second journal is mine. You’ll be the first person to ever read it.”

“And the third?” Sakura runs the pads of her fingers along the newer leather journal. 

“That one’s yours to write with and share with whomever you’d like.”

Something bubbles up inside Sakura. A familiar feeling of anger and a need to argue despite this gift. “This didn’t help Mito or you for that matter. Why would I want this?” She doesn’t mean to sound so bitter and petulant like a child. She understands Tsunade is trying to reconnect their broken halves. 

Shishō is patient for once. The younger woman remembers their legendary screaming matches whenever Sakura got too uncontrollable. It’s what led to the fracturing of their relationship—the splintering of their little family. “Healing is a slow, painful, and constant process that I’m still walking along. I’m not...I can only offer the journey home, Sakura.”

Tsunade had said something similar to Sakura as a child. She understands now this is who her mentor is, a woman refusing to fold her terrible hand. Sakura has a choice to run away, to refuse this offer, but she’s spent—burnt from her anger like a dry husk. A longing itches at the corners of her rib cage that holds her heart. The seal on her forehead thrums with threadbare chakra pulling the chipped parts of her being back together. She’s not sure if she’s ready for what comes after, not sure if she’s ready for healing. A journey with her Shishō, guardian, maybe family? Doesn’t seem too bad.

“The seals on Mito’s journal, I’ve never seen them. Can you…?”

“I’ll show them to you on the way back,” they share soft smiles. 

* * *

They’re at the edge of the forest. Just beyond it lies the village. 

“You can leave now, you know? You got me back to Ino and there’s nothing anyone could say to make you stay.” Were Sakura anyone else she might have asked Tsunade to stay, but she didn’t after the war and she won’t now, has no right to ask such a thing. 

Tsunade looks at Sakura for a long time analyzing the micro gestures in her student’s body language. She stretches before placing her hands on her hips, “I think I’ll stay for a bit. I need to prepare you for succession. A brat like you probably couldn’t handle being a clan head let alone a Senju.” 

It’s a terrible excuse that offers nothing more and nothing less, but Tsunade can only be what she is—a terrible gambler still betting on an even more terrible child. 

Sakura accepts it all the same. They’re family, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Izakaya is a Japanese bar, an oshibori is a wet towel you might receive in a restaurant or bar. Shishō means master in the sense that said person is a master of a skill/trade. Daimyos are lords that serve as vassals for the shogun in feudal Japan. In this particular AU, Sakura loses her parents in the Pain attack and Tsunade signs on to be her legal guardian, and eventually lets Sakura become clan head. 
> 
> The title is from Florence + The Machine's "Queen of Peace" and this particular line is my favorite in the whole song. 
> 
> Thank you Vicky for inspiring what would be this story by listening to me ramble about Anbu Sakura! I had to pause my other story to get this one written; I couldn't stop thinking about it lol. Thanks everyone for your continued support!


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